Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank