Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
You Might Also Like
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese