Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.