Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Easy enough.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
translated into Canadian
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG