Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Feel. He’s so soft.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.