Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*

You’re free now

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

our love story in four pictures

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.