Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
You Might Also Like
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.