Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

Cats (2019)

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”