Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.