Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Hmmmmm
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
ok like just. call me at this point
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
my mind
You just read my mind
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*