Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy