Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
yeah no that’s fair
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up