Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.