why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I can’t wait!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.