why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Worth a try
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*