why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.