why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
You Might Also Like
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz