Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!