Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Botany good plants lately?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.