Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
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Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Who did it better?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney