Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

Give us this day our daily internet validation

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.