Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.