Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
You Might Also Like
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance