Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold