Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?