Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
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Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*