Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”

They were going to a funeral.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free