Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
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I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
“You’d better run, egg!”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.