Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Oh, I bet you would be

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing