Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?