Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

favorite tropes as memes

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Unmatched

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.