Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*