Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail