Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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for all #parents out there
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”