why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
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This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen