Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.