Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too