why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
*sewing*
A thread
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
