Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating