why do i always pick the shopping cart built by a drunken intern
You Might Also Like
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
my dad has had enough
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.