Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
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[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
making sure he doesnt get away
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates