Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocked: 1985

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

#dnd #ttrpg

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.