Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
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Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Life is a suicide mission.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.