Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

*has no idea what a book even is*

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim