Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

Always leave them wanting their money back.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.