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I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
You wish you had this many chins.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.