Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
j o i m p
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today