Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad