Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

They’re not wrong

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”