Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.