Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
How software testing works
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
good work, detective
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes