Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I鈥檝e never been so good at a game before
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
my kid was complaining she鈥檚 bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn鈥檛 get to try any of them.
mom had nothing to worry about
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I can鈥檛 name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I would like even faster food.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
馃幍 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…馃幍-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It鈥檚 true, I saw it with my own eyes.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
A bold strategy
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)