Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

Word!

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?