Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

this is the greatest thing ever

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party