Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK