Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

I don’t believe him.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.