Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
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JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I enjoy a good short stor
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”