Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!