Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Birds & Planes.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Lassie, get help!

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

[montage of me giving-up]

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!