Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.