Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

i think we should see other cousins

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.