Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.