Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
You Might Also Like
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
No laws when master is gone
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.