Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.