Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

Good advice.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house