Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
The United Steaks of America
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.