Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
You Might Also Like
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
my favorite genre of twitter
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail