Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
👽
Deer are just ballerina dogs
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.