Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream