Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

My joke about a partition wall really split the room

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

thanks auntie mary

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.