Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question