why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.