Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: Same.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.