Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
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[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family