Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.