Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I am never leaving this website
