Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Well, this is awkward
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Reminder:
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.