Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
who’s gonna tell her?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Children of the corn 🌽
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
house sitting!
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.